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Thursday, July 7, 2016

Relationship Killers

Today i feel like talking about relationship killers, how people consciously or unconsciously kill their relationships by their actions.
I am no relationship guru, but i thought this might help people in relationships.
There are many things that can kill a good relationship/marriage, i will list a few of them that people do consciously or unconsciously.

CHEATING: To me it is the ultimate relationship killer, and one that many couples won't survive. Cheating kills trust, no matter how the cheating partner apologizes for indiscretions and promise it will never happen again. Unfortunately cheating is quite rampart these days. There are different types of cheating, the physical and the emotional cheating. If you can't tell your partner about a friend you hang out with, then something is wrong somewhere. Once you are in a committed relationship or marriage, a line should be drawn in your friendships with the opposite sex, there should be a boundary. It doesn't mean you cannot have friends of the opposite sex, it only means certain limitation to the friendship. That shows you respect your partner and value your relationship. If you do not set boundaries before you know it, you might begin to think of this friend in a way you should not, and it will be only a matter of time before sex happens between you and that person. By then, you would have hurt your partner a great deal, no matter how you try to patch it up, your partner will never trust you any more. In the end, you may end up losing a long term partner over a short term feeling.

THE PAST:  A lot of people do this unconsciously, while some do this consciously . People who live in the past find it impossible to move forward. If one partner insists on comparing the new relationship to the previous ones, the future doesn't look good. While learning from the past is a good thing, treating them as a blue print for every other relationship is not. What you have now is different to anything you have had before, so let it grow free from past screw ups.  The time you should use in getting to know and appreciate the new partner, you spend it sulking about the past, this can make one miss a very good chance at finding happiness again. The new partner can only bear things for a while. No one wants to live in the shadow of the former partner. There was a reason the past relationship didn't work out, why not spend time and focus on the new one? Likewise dragging the past of the new partner into the present is also very damaging. No one is perfect, so we are all bound to make mistakes sometimes. There is no point mentioning the mistake your partner made in every single argument you have. that hurts a lot, especially if that partner apologized for that mistake.  If a couple decides to move on from a problem, they move on and focus on the future; the past should be left in the past.

HIGH COMFORT LEVELS: After being together for a while, couples tend to grow comfortable with each other, way too comfortable. Especially if one partner makes him or herself too available to the partner. The appreciation level  drops and that partner no longer values this partner, then one partner begins to feel the other is taking him or her for granted. Sometimes it is important to spend time apart, go for vacations separately, as they say, absence makes the mind grow fonder. But, it can consciously be avoided, One should never feel too comfortable as to begin to disrespect your partner because they are always there for you. This can kill any relationship.

PERSISTENT SUITORS:A couple is by definition, made up of two people. Throw in a third person into the mix and things will begin to go wrong. Unless you aren't in an exclusive relationship, but if it is an exclusive relationship. If someone else is trying to get with you or your other half, distrust and suspicion can breed quite easily and can be a serious relationship killer. If the issue arises, deal with it as quickly as possible. If you are the one with the admirer, simply tell her or him you are not interested , as you are already in a serious relationship. Being too friendly with her or him could give her or him hope and permission to stick around longer and toying with your current relationship. Some people enjoy the fact that they are being chased by another while in a relationship, nothing wrong with that, but draw a line; otherwise you will find yourself in an undefined complicated relationship. No need to give this person any hope, because they will still continue to be persistent and you will keep hurting your partner in the process. If it is an open relationship and you both can see other people, flirt with other people, then it is fine. If it is exclusive, there is no need making your relationship more complicated, unless you really want to be in a relationship with this persistent suitor, then it will be better to end your present relationship and be with this new person, than hurting who you are with by your actions.

COMMUNICATION:Communication is very vital for any relationship to work. It is important to consciously work on communication skills with your partner. Silence chokes the breath of any relationship. It is not right to shut out a partner no matter what you are going through. In fact your partner should be one person you should want to share your problems with, instead of shutting out your partner. It is frustrating for the partner being shut out, even if you think your partner can not help you in dealing with your problem, at least the partner can listen which is enough. When you do not speak, how will the relationship grow? How will your partner know what you feel? Relationship is about sharing everything, even your thoughts, problems, joy.

SELFISHNESS: Some couples are so engrossed in themselves that they forget all about the need of their partner. Everyone has challenges, the only different thing is how we handle it. love is sacrificial, that is been able to put the needs of your partner ahead of yours. Selfishness is often driven by lack of trust or confidence that anyone else will be truly concerned with our interests. But loving partners do look out for each other's needs. The more you demonstrate the willingness to your partner, the more likely that he or she is to reciprocate. After getting burned by a romantic partner once, people tend to overcompensate. We construct not only defensive barriers, but offensive ones as well. Selfishness can cause us to treat our significant other like an outsider or an intruder, we rebuff our partner's presence; we disregard their needs. Selfishness manifests in several ways,but each is potentially lethal to a relationship.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Masquerade Embarks On Endurance Trek

I thought we had gotten over people trekking from Lagos to Abuja for PMB, or trekking from Abuja to Yenagoa for GEJ. After the first young man trekked, the rest abused it, that people began to get tired of it. After the elections, the trekking died with it, phewww, what a relief, I thought. I was tired of seeing the headlines of the trekkers.
Now shortly after the swearing in ceremony of the new Governor of Kogi State, trekking has somehow resumed again, to commerate the victory of the new Governor.
Do not get me wrong, i felicitate with the new Governor and i pray he is the change agent we need.
What caught my attention Was the fact that this time it was a masquerade trekking to Abuja from Kogi State, or from Abuja to Kogi.
That took me down memory lane.
Growing up at Idah, Kogi state. We saw lots of various kinds of masquerades, especially during festivities. The masquerades made Christmas, Sallah celebrations much fun.  If a parent denies a child that outing, it will feel like the world has crumbled. It was very important to children to go out and get chased by these masquerades. Even though it was fun and a sight to behold we were still very afraid of them.  During festivities when our parents let us go out like a lot of other parents do, all you hear is screams from other children or you see them running in all directions from various masquerades.
              There are very many types, I remember some of their names,  'OLOKOPIO was one of them, There was one called UCHORO DUDU,(means; the pot of black soup), its face was really very black. It has it's real name but i cannot remember it, but if you want to get chased, you call it by this name and you will get the chase of your life. My Parents lived about ten minutes away from the Ega market, there was a day my sister and i were taking a short route to the market, while this masquerade was on the main road, and we were screaming UCHORO DUDU, UCHORO DUDU! It left the main road and was headed towards us, My God! when we saw it coming we ran with all our might while screaming at the top of our lungs. There was no house close by, only trees so we ran into the market towards the statue of INIKPI, as children who believed anything, we were told masquerades were not allowed to see the statue, so we ran there for safety .  The masquerade did turn back, even before we ran into the market, but because were afraid we did not even notice.
There was AGBANABO,  EGWU-AKPOKO, (means Chilli/pepper masquerade),  AJADU- APIEPIE, OLAGENYI (from Audu Ewo's compund.  EGWU-GBOMGBOM, (can look as flat as a plate on the ground and then spring up taller than a tree). EGWU-ANYANYI ( the laughing or smiling masquerade). She had a smiling face and was not violent. 

I remember one brand of masquerade called 'AGANA'. They were quite violent, there are different types of that brand of masquerade. The person who controls it holds a long leash tied to its waist, they never let it move around unsupervised or without a leash. And they have speed, when you call out to them and they begin to chase you, you had better run to the nearest house to hide. I remember one particular Christmas, we were at a part of Idah called Sabongari, and AGANA began it's usual chase and we were running and screaming, unfortunately it wasn't an area we lived in, so we ran to a compound we saw almost everyone run to, adults and children alike ran. When we thought we were safe and were catching our breath, AGANA somersaulted into the compound, we were all confused, filled with fear and many fell and we were all trying to find our way out of that compound. 
We were told growing up that most of those masquerades were spirits, while some were not. 


After Idah, we lived in Koton Karfe for a while, they also have masquerades but they don't look as scary as the Igala masquerades. Sometimes they do come out even if it wasn't a festive period. There was a time my sister and I were visiting friends and we sat in front of their house deep in teenage conversation. Suddenly a masquerade appeared right in front of us, we did not see it coming, we ran in various directions, some of us to the bedroom and others to the bathroom. 
This masquerade began calling out our names, Rosemary come out, Roselyn come out, Florence come out, Ladi come out, then we knew that whoever was in the masquerade costume knew us very well and it wasn't a spirit.  That did not stop the fear, but we still refused to come out. We only came out when we were they were gone. I wonder if I ever overcame my fear for masquerades and perhaps might still run for my life when I come face to face with one of them.
I did enjoy a lot of Christmases as a child because of those masquerades. I would like to hear of other people's experiences.