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Saturday, October 24, 2015


Do you have that one colleague, friend relative with a body odor?
This might be what they need to do to eliminate it.

Pretty much everyone gets worried about their body odor at some point or another, or so i think.  Who hasn't done the subtle armpit check?

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Some Abuja Cab Drivers Are Crazy

Sometimes when I am about to board a taxi, many of the drivers reek of alcohol, even as early as 6am. It scares the shit of out of me when I perceive the smell of alcohol on them. We all know that 90% of these drivers never went to any driving school,they just learn to drive for a few days and begin to pick passengers and putting their lives at risk. One fateful day,I boarded a taxi from Wuse ( the side of Wuse where you find,taxis headed towards, Dutse, Jabi, Kubwa and Lugbe axis). I was going to Lugbe, I was the third passenger in the in the taxi (that means I was the second passenger at the back seat) I use to dread been the third passenger in the back seat, because the third passenger usually sits in the most uncomfortable position. You have to sit half way, your back cannot lean your back on the car seat to make room for the last passenger. Its not like the other passengers are comfortable, but you won't like to be number three, trust me. In no time it got filled up and we paid for the fare even before it moved. Usually most of the cab drivers don't like driving through the berger round about because of the much dreaded traffic. This particular driver decided to drive through berger round about,as expected there was that traffic,although it was moving. The driver was in a hurry like many motorists in Abuja and was trying to shunt his way through,we hadn't even gone far,his impatience got us in trouble. He tried to drive his way through the part of the road where the Police had prevented motorist from driving through by placing traffic cones on. He thought he could drive quickly, but was not fast enough. In a flash we saw an officer rush towards the car,opened the passenger door and forced himself in with the passenger who was already seated in the front passenger seat. At that point,I thanked God in my heart that I was not that passenger. I was almost unhappy when I realized I wasn't going to get the front seat when I arrived at that illegal taxi park. After seeing the way the officer jumped in even though the driver was trying to throw him off, he still managed to get in,thereby squeezing the passenger against the driver. The reasonable thing to do by the driver was to stop the car and park well, right? On the contrary, his acceleration increased, I assumed he wanted to turn after the round about and stop the car. He did not,he sped off. At this point the officer commanded in a loud voice, stop the car, I said stop the car!!! For all we knew,one could have sworn that he was deaf, instead he increased the speed. By now, many of us were beginning to panic (especially the female passengers including yours truly). Didn't you hear me? Stop the car now or I release tear gas in this vehicle. Then he brought out a canister of tear gas,fear gripped me instantly. I suddenly remembered my experience with tear gas in Benin city some years back and how it stung my eyes and almost thought I would go blind. I imagined it in this crammed taxi and the after effect on the driver. By now,we were on that high way that leads to Wuye. As if we planned it,we began pleading with the driver to please stop the car and at the same time pleaded with the officer not to release the tear gas for our sakes,we were on the high way for crying out loud. The stubborn driver with his unevenly bleached up face still would not stop. Next thing we knew,the officer began to drag the steering wheel with the driver and the car began to move in a zig zag motion on the high way. We started screaming at the top of our lungs, driver please stop, why are you putting our lives in danger? Drop us here,and take the money. They kept on dragging,I was praying we don't even fall into the drainage along the road. The lady beside me was already crying . We were scared and helpless,we could not jump out of the car because it was on top speed. We had even lost hope and we weren't sure what would happen next. When we got to the point where the Chinese company CCECC was doing some Construction. An army hilux just kind of appeared in front of us and blocked the driver,so he was forced to stop. Two military officers jumped out from behind the hilux. Park well they barked, ( dem de tell person?). The driver parked well. They said you are under arrest for kid napping a uniformed officer. So I was expecting the crying lady to get out so that I could quickly get down,she just sat down there. I don't know if it was shock,fear or curiosity. I was very surprised,and said please get out of my way, if you don't want to get out of this taxi, I do. I was overjoyed the military showed up, just when we needed them. They bundled the cab driver into their hilux and asked the police officer to drive the cab behind them. Motorists who drove past at that time just watched. They zoomed off with the driver and I wished I could be a fly on the wall to see what would be done to him. We got stranded on that road,it was quite hard to get a taxi from that spot,so we all decided to trek ahead a bit. Luckily for us,a good Samaritan who watched what happened and was going to Gwagwalada decided to give us all a ride. We talked about the incident until we each got to our various destinations. Some of these cab drivers get high on some substances before going about their daily activities. I wish there was a way that could be checked,or if the government enforces the DUI (driving under the influence) test.

Friday, March 13, 2015

100 Meters Race and the Gun wielding men

I woke up feeling a little tired on Friday ( probably because my subconscious knew it was weekend, which meant rest for me). I got to the office, signed in while waiting for my colleagues so that we would walk together to Allensar a communications dealer we had business with on Aminu Kano, Wuse 2 to also sign in,then proceed to K- city to buy breakfast from a Mama put(Those kain mama put Wey no dey get name).
 sometimes go through Aminu Kano or Parakou street. We decided to go through Parakou street which was less busier than Aminu Kano and shorter too. As we were walking past Smiles Communications,as usual we saw some of their staff outside,seems they wanted going somewhere. My colleagues and I were talking about how they like to form,and I was saying, I wouldn't even be surprised if the live in the shanty towns outside Abuja. Truth be told,they can form for Africa eh, I don't know if they do it for our benefit oh, always in high heels and forming American and British accent,hehehehe.
 Anyway,back to the Crux of the matter.

 After we walked past them, I heard the sound of car tyres screeching and automatically turned back to see a Metallic coloured 406 with tinted glass coming out of a Close driving into Parakou crescent. To say he drove like a maniac is to put it mildly. One would think it was a scene from Fast and Furious. At first I thought the Car had lost control and I was already feeling bad an accident was about to happen right in front of me And i I could do nothing to stop it.I  drew the attention of my two colleagues who were chatting away to the speeding vehicle, I  said it seems this car has failed break and may run into these stationary cars. So we stopped to look at it. Never seen any car on such speed except  in movies Or car race games on television.
Surprisingly it swerved and did not hit any car, but was still on top speed and swaying from left to right, when suddenly a Sienna appeared right behind it,with same speed and roughness. Am I witnessing Fast and Furious reloaded or what? I thought within me, could the driver of the Sienna be pursuing the driver of the 406? I asked no one in particular. I and colleagues were just awed at the kind of driving at 8:30am in the morning. Then suddenly the 406 turned swiftly into the next Close, as the Sienna was about to turn, we saw guns come out of the window,before we knew it they started shooting into the air. It happened very fast. What was going on here? In my mind I said,my legs where una dey? Make I take cover before stray bullet go come meet me oh. One of my colleague was still watching and I called out to her. Madam, this is not the type of thing to watch oh, stray bullet can hit anyone. Let us try to get out of these place, because I have a strong feeling they will still be back to this street again, by now we were not seeing these race vehicles any more,we were only hearing the gun shots farther and farther away, so we started walking away faster like we were brisk walking.
As if I was a Prophet, as predicted they were headed back to the street. The sporadic gun shots was getting closer, na so we tear race oh. "Omo" see run, even Blessing Okagbare would not have stood any chance near us oh, we would have given her a run for her money. We would have qualified for the next Olympics,with the way we sprinted to safety. I am sure if a wall stood in our way at that point we would have scaled it. See adrenaline pumping oh. Three of us bear our papa name instanta, who remember say he waka come with anybody? Tired what? Who remembered tiredness again? Where the strength came from I don't know. Did I even remember that I was carrying a heavy bag back? It felt light weight on my back. People ahead of us scampered to safety too,those who saw us running joined us, shooting nor stop oh, our saving grace when we got to the high way on Aminu Kano opposite Access bank was that we turned left,and they took the right turn towards Banex plaza road. One of my colleague was so confused and was running in the middle of the road,luckily for her there was no incoming vehicle, that would have become story that touch(God forbid) i on the other hand was running on the  pedestrian lane because I thought in the midst of it all,if they took the direction we did, it would be safer for me on the pedestrian lane,because the trees and cars would block me out a bit,while the third one was looking for a car to slide under, the one who was watching when they shot into the air the first time. A man stopped us,to tell us they took the turn towards Banex we should stop and catch our breath, na how we stop be dat oh. And people began to gather in small groups to discuss what they saw. I have no idea who they are, maybe robbers or kidnappers,what ever they are I will never know unless I see it in the news. It was terribly scary and I am glad we could laugh about it later on. What an adventurous day!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Victims Of Circumstances And Other Stories

Three short plays written by Roselyn Zuyeali Amwa. Available on Amazon. Get your copy now!!!